I got sent to the principal’s office. Ms. Champ started by telling me that I need to sign in everyday, rather than putting all the dates for the week on Monday. They can get in trouble for that.
Then she brought up yesterday, how she heard me raise my voice in the bathroom with a child and everyone could hear me in the hallway, some parents giving her a look when they heard me. She said we cannot yell at the kids, we have to find other ways to get through, especially when we’re in the hallway and prospective parents could be touring.
I apologized and explained that I tried calmly with Eliana, with no effect, and she continued defying and saying no, so I escalated. Ms. Champ said we don’t go loud, we go down to their level and speak low. She said she was dealing with Eliana earlier and knows she’s challenging but we can’t yell. I told her I’m still new and figuring it out and she understood and said she has 28 years of experience.
She said we’re not here to raise the kids, we’re here to assist. I asked her what to say to parents when they ask if we’re potty training and she said to ask if they’re potty training at home because we’re just assisting in the process. She went into the same speech about how the kids aren’t being punished at home and we’re at the brunt end of it.
I apologized and started crying, embarrassed that I made a mistake. Ms Champ said I’m doing a great job, that she was disappointed after complimenting me on the zoom the same day. That just made me feel worse.
She said she wanted to talk to me so I'm aware and it won't happen again. This shaming will not be forgotten.
I cleaned up my face in the bathroom and went back outside with the kids. Honor said my eyes were red and I replied that his eyes are clear, and he agreed. Juhzzai stayed by my side for the rest of the afternoon, it's like he was trying to comfort me. The other kids were doing puzzles around me.
Ms. Leslie and Ms. Yami consoled me. Ms. Leslie said that the front office can hear everything in the hallways, and the bathrooms project noise, she should've warned me. Ms. Yami said she's had a talk like this with Ms. Champ and she cried in her car afterschool. They both said I'm doing an amazing job and not to let it bring me down.
I felt afraid to take the kids to the bathroom, but it cannot be avoided. I kept my voice quiet.
I don't feel so bad about yelling as I did when I was chastised. I heard other aides and teachers yelling on the yard, but they were not in earshot of parents or the principal. Ms. Tameka has yelled at the kids in the bathroom, but maybe her tone was low or maybe nobody was around. The rules are for optics around parents and prospective parents.
Ms. Robinson told us at the end of the day that there was an issue with this boy, Leslie, who showed his privates to Iris, weeks ago, but it came up today when she told Leslie's sister. Leslie's mother was upset because they've scolded him multiple times for exposing himself. Ms. Robinson told Iris to tell a teacher when it happens immediately, even if he tells her not to. They're trying to keep everyone safe. I asked, does Leslie not feel shame? On a day I am feeling so much shame.
Ms. Leslie also comforted me by saying that she cried earlier today, it's just one of those days. Abigail came in this morning with a diaper full of poop, then had diarrhea before lunch. Emma completely soaked her cot with pee during nap time and had to be changed, but didn't have any bottoms. When we changed Abigail after her nap, she was screaming and crying, her mom came in and finished the job.
Ms. Yami told me that we're not allowed to let the kids take their snacks home because Ms. Champ saw Emma's mom tell her to throw the milk out of the car window and we can get in trouble if the food trash is littered outside of the school. More optics.
Today, I truly learned the acronym that was first introduced to me at orientation: Cover Your Ass.
Happy 36th birthday to me.
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